Is this me?

It’s okay to say it’s not your fault.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

It’s okay to argue sometimes and have different opinions than the people around you.

It’s okay to be your own person and disagree with what you grew up with.

It’s okay to be you. And that’s what I have to ask myself, is this me?

I was going through my old journal entries earlier, something I do often. I like to remember that thoughts that once stormed through my head. I like to see what I was struggling with. I like to look back and think, “man I’m glad I’m not as screwed up as I was three months ago.” Oh wait, I’ve never thought that…

I remember towards the beginning of College sitting in my friends room and listening to the three other girls have a great discussion about real issues in our world. I remember thinking to myself, “wow that’s a great point. I’ve never thought about it like that.” or “Wow, that’s totally and completely wrong, I don’t know if I should say something.” or the most common thought, “That’s a good point, but I have a different opinion.” And the weird thing is, I didn’t say anything. Me. Madison Lawson. I had STRONG opinions with things to back them up and I kept silent.

If you personally know me, then that surprises you. I NEVER keep silent. I am me and me is LOUD. Seriously, if you know me than you know my opinions on… well everything. Because I’m not afraid to let you know what I think- in a loving way, I promise- or let you know how I have been raised to think about certain issues. I like discussions and better yet, I like arguing. And I am dang good at it. *cue mothers dramatic sigh here*

That night as I sat down to have my quiet time, I reflected on the conversation. I replayed it in my head, but this time said everything I wanted to say. I started to wonder why I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t ashamed or shy in any way. I just didn’t want to force my opinions. I didn’t want to annoy my new friends. I was worried about the way I came across, when in reality, I could have been apart of an innocent discussion. All three of them didn’t agree on everything, so wasn’t I allowed to disagree as well? Wasn’t I allowed to have my own opinion? Wasn’t I allowed to be me?

Within the next week I found myself paying close attention to everything I did, said, or thought. I was constantly beating myself up. Whether it was a B on a quiz, skipping a workout, spending to much on coffee or saying something I shouldn’t. I was being way to hard on myself even though I was trying my hardest. I’m only human, and YES I should constantly be striving to be better, but would I say the things I say to myself, to other people?

No.

I would NEVER be that awful to someone.

And then there was that fight. I won’t go into detail, but I came out the other side, worried sick. What had I done wrong? What could I do better? Where was I at fault? When the truth was, I wasn’t at fault. And it’s okay to say that. It. Wasn’t. My. Fault.

No, I’m not saying that you should blame the people around you because that’s never okay. But I am saying that sometimes you really didn’t do anything wrong and it’s okay to realize that, as long as you’re also seeing where you do go wrong.

It’s a balance. And a tough one to find.

I guess I just have to keep asking myself,

Is this me?

 

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