The more personal a post, the more views it gets. If I really get uncomfortable, the amount of views shoots skyward. This was not good news to me. I was not excited. I did not go “Oh, well then I definitely need to start being more personal!” because no. That’s not something I do. It’s not something I can handle. In fact, the idea wakes up my anxiety and gets it screaming again. I have to calm myself down. And recently I found out why.
I have an intense fear of vulnerability.
I know this fear isn’t uncommon. Humans are insecure. We fear being judged and being exposed for the worlds prying eye. We fear being left, our loved ones seeing who ‘we really are’ and deciding we aren’t worth it. We hold onto our pride so no one can break us. We get hurt and build up walls to keep it from happening again. We station guards at the front of our doors, performing an excess amount of searching, background checks, and interviews before letting anyone in. We turn away people offering love because we are afraid it’s a trick. We are scared of Trojan horses and nightmares dressed like daydreams. (Yes, I did just reference the Trojan war and Taylor Swift in the same sentence.)
The logical side of me says, “Well, if we all are afraid of what other people think, shouldn’t that convince us that no one cares. Everyone else thinks they’re broken, so they won’t judge you for a few cracks” but the fear is much louder than logic.
Vulnerability synonyms include weakness, helplessness, defenselessness, and openness. Opening myself up, sharing my thoughts, fears, struggles, and desires leaves me helpless and makes me seem weak. Dropping my walls leaves me vulnerable to an attack from the enemy. I’m no longer protected. Now people know.
Or maybe it’s the opposite.
Maybe sharing is actually helpful. It gives people the opportunity to build me up, to come by and help me in the fight against the enemy. It shows me who really loves me, shows me that I’m not alone. Maybe my own weakness will help others on their own journey. Maybe it will bring us together. Maybe being vulnerable does not mean I am weak, but I am strong.
Maybe, but that doesn’t make it any easier.