Biggest Insecurity.

12240140_10205228792106149_9085093614921235991_nI’ve been thinking recently about people’s voices. Today, it’s easy to say what you want through media, anonymous websites, behind computer screens, ect. You can shout into the void all you want and have a temporary satisfaction from actually saying what has been bouncing around in your head for days on end. You have something to say, and thanks to the internet, you have somewhere to say it. You’re shouting, ranting, commenting, blogging (irony) and the satisfaction is instant but brief.

The void doesn’t always yell back.

Every human has a voice, and it’s in our nature to want that voice to be heard. Every human has the right to speak but a lot of humans feel muted.

This is something I struggle with every single day.

Let’s get vulnerable.

Insecurities. We all have them. There’s no denying that. I’m too fat, I’m too thin, my nose is so long, my hair is bland, I’m dumb, I’m dull, ect ect. I have insecurities. I could list them out for you but that’s a bunny trail I’m ignoring for now.

One of my absolute biggest insecurities is my voice. I’m constantly afraid I’m saying the wrong thing or fighting for the wrong cause or being annoying or not being heard. I shout into the void and assume nobody is listening because it doesn’t always shout back. Although, occasionally I’ll get a “oh I read your blog” or “I totally agree with you” and I grow a bit more confident… but only for a second. I feel like I’m shouting into a void and it’s nice when the void shouts back.

I was talking to my counselor about this today because a friend of mine, who is very important to me, constantly makes me feel invalidated and like what I have to say is useless and foolish. This probably isn’t their intention but it’s how I feel and recent events with this friend has been surfacing these insecurities I try to mask with my words. I’m afraid I’m not heard so I YELL. I’m afraid people will dismiss me so I’m aggressive. I can’t be wrong and idiotic, so I have to pretend like I completely believe everything I’m saying and how could I ever be wrong?

I grew up feeling unheard. With every passing teacher who shut me down, friend who laughed at my words, adult who said ‘you’re just a child’ or loved one who dismissed me, a thread was pulled through my lips and a piece of tape was placed over my mouth.

Soon my lips were sewed shut and my voice was muffled.

So to be heard, I had to yell.

This is something I’ve recently been working through and I’m proud to say that I’ve gotten much better. I know I don’t have to be defensive to be heard and so many relationships have been mended in this area. But even still, this is one of my biggest insecurities. I’m growing confident about my looks more with each day, but I still hide away in my room, scribbling in my journal things I’m too afraid to say out loud.

Humans have a right to speak. And everyone wants to be heard. We all have stories to tell and we need people to tell them too.

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