I am not my nicknames.

12439069_10205515881803212_6795568949325753368_nI was hanging out with two of my closest friends the other day, and I realized how thankful I was for them. I’ve only known them for a couple months but their friendship means so much to me.

That’s when I grasped how afraid I was that the end of our friendship was coming.

“I hope you guys know that you’re stuck with me for at least the next two years.” I let them know.

“What?”

“You no longer have the option to wake up and decide you don’t like me anymore. You’re too far into this friendship.” I laughed. This is what I did, joked about my biggest insecurities. Unfortunately, I don’t fool any of my friends with this tactic.

One laughed. “Why would we do that?” I cocked my head. She was actually surprised I was worried about that. Nowhere in her mind was she thinking that this was the last time we would hang out. She actually enjoyed this friendship. I was shocked.

“Because… maybe you decide you don’t want to be in this freindship anymore? It’s happened before…”

“Really?”

Has this not happened to her before? Am I just not friendship material? “Yeah? All the time. My best friend stopped talking to me because other kids were making fun of them for being friends with me.” It’s not uncommon for my friends to only hang out with me until I’m more trouble than I’m worth.

And it was only a matter of time before these two did the same, right?

One time I made a huge mistake and hurt my best friend. She was angry, rightly so, and I was terrified that I had screwed up too badly for her to forgive me. I had lost my best friend and it was all my fault. I would be alone till some other poor soul decided I was worth a few weeks of their time.

Luckily, she did forgive me. And months later she’s still texting me daily and I’m referring to her as one of my many suitors. We just celebrated our second year friendiversary.

I’m too abrasive, stubborn, loud, odd, annoying, forceful, or different. At first sight, maybe I’d be a fun friend, but by the second look, my true colors are too bright. Maybe they’ll try a pair of sunglasses and stick around, but soon their eyes will hurt too much and they’ll have to leave for their own good.

I had insults thrown my way and laughs gained at my expense. My friends had to stop hanging out with me because the bullying was too much. My nicknames included “the dumb blonde”, “fat”, “dyke”, “stuck up”, “Christian schooler”, and “spaz”.

I thought these two friends would catch onto one of those nicknames, or come up with a new one, and use it while saying farewell, they were off to bigger and better friendships.

I remind myself this isn’t true. My nicknames do not define who I am. These nicknames are not my identity. They enjoy my friendship. I enjoy there’s. Hopefully these two would stick around.

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