You may have looked in the mirror before and hated what you saw. You may have pulled on her skin and sucked in as hard as you could, wishing more than anything to look like the people on TV. You may have even decided skipping dinner and maybe tomorrow’s lunch, would somehow heighten your worth.
You’ve probably questioned your worth.
Asked yourself who really cares. Wondered what your impact in the world was. If you were never born, what difference would it make, really?
One night you couldn’t sleep for hours. You were replaying every mistake you’d ever made in your head. You convinced yourself you would never truly be loved. Your heart beat steadily grew faster as your worries began to fill up the room and shove you out of your own bed.
The next night you finally fell asleep. The tears wore you out.
That morning you painted on a smile like some might apply fake eyelashes. You pulled on your most comfortable outfit and headed out into the world where you hoped no one would question your painted on smile.
You hoped someone would see through your painted on smile.
Dear me. You finally found some sort of happiness. You find yourself enjoying life again. Then someone tells you why that enjoyment is wrong. You start to fall.
You’re caught before you hit the ground. But your savior is actually holding a knife. You ache with betrayal. You run.
Maybe you go to someone to help. Maybe they actually help you. But there’s someone shaming you for accepting the help. You try not to listen to them but their voice is so loud.
Dear me, the loss hits you every day. Your throat tightens as you remember the love you once had before life had taken it away. Does anyone understand this kind of loss? Will anyone ever get it?
Dear me, someone once told you that you would never find love. So you searched every day, hoping to prove them wrong. You searched at parties and in strangers’ beds. You searched while cowering as your partner yelled. You searched in other dimensions, plunging a needle into your arm hoping that someone would hold you close. You will not stop the search until you are loved. You just want to be loved.
Dear me, You are loved.
You are worth it.
You are beautiful.
You are kind.
You are allowed to find comfort in your friends. You are allowed to enjoy your life. Let yourself be happy. You deserve it.
Dear me, you will say things to yourself that no one would ever say to you or think about you. You will say things to yourself that you wouldn’t dare say to anyone else. You are your own worst enemy. But you have the power to be your biggest fan. It’s okay to love yourself.
You are worth it.
You are loved. And you will always be loved.