My mom is so strong. She is not afraid to show emotions, to be vulnerable, and to feel pain. She is also tough, secure, and a force to be reckoned with. (None of these things are mutually exclusive). She has had a hell of a year, from my dad getting sick to this last week when she lost her daddy, she has stood firm in the love of Jesus and her faith that God is good through and through.
I admire my mom. I want to be more like her.
When we lost Gaga, I was good for a while. I firmly believe that he is so happy right now and it’s a joyous thing to know that Gaga gets to spend time with the King, with the God he spent his life serving. I’m so happy for him and I feel so blessed to have known him, been his partner, and learned from him over the years.
But at the memorial service, everything truly hit me. I realized that in this life I will never see my Gaga again. I didn’t just lose a grandparent, I lost my childhood best friend (because let’s be real, I was a bit of a loser and spent my weekday nights at Nena and Gaga’s house) and my partner in crime. My friend Cat put it this way:
“You and Gaga just got each other ya know? Like anytime I was over it was like you guys had somehow known each other for 60 years even though you were only 12 and slammin’ some BlueBell ice cream.”
That made me crack up. Cat has always had a way of doing that, making me laugh while calming all my anxieties.
My mom put it this way (referencing the photo at the beginning of this blog):
“Gaga was over the moon here. You were his past and his future. A visual reminder of his sweet momma, a chip off the old block for himself and the excitement of a new and wonderful future in your own life. He was so incredibly proud of you.”
This made me cry. My mom has always had a way of showing me where my emotions are, revealing the truth of my heart.
All this to say: Losing Gaga, or really Gaga returning home, was harder than I expected it to be. I am emotionally drained. I am so tired. I miss him so much. I feel on the verge of crying or undeserved anger every minute of every day. And yet I am happy for him. I know he is filled with love and joy and he is finally completely pure and standing before his Creator, his Redeemer, his Savior.
I am riding a seesaw where the highs are too high and the lows are too low. I’m on a seesaw that is speeding up and every hit to the ground hurts more than the last one.
I want to make Gaga proud. I want to carry on his legacy. I want to live up to the areas where we are so similar.
At the Memorial Service, they kept talking about how Gaga wrote people notes and letters that were filled with love. It was a blessing to receive one. I didn’t know this and for years I have cherished writing letters to the people I love. Suddenly it became even more urgent that I continue this. If for no one else than for Gaga, one of the wisest, most selfless, funniest men I have ever known.
The last few days have been tiring and confusing and a freaking blast. God blessed me tremendously and I got to spend two days with my family in Harry Potter world (a dream come true if you know anything about me). Then I started class again, jumping head first into 1 and 2 Kings, with no real motivation to do the work. Then, I got a rejection letter for a job I really wanted. God is guiding me and while I’m so thankful for that, I love the dependency on God, I also feel so lost. It’s like I’m on a frozen pond and I’m spinning and I can’t get any traction and I have no direction for where to go next.
I wish I knew. I wish I could show love like Gaga did. I wish I could do better.
I wish I wish I wish that I could do it alone.
I’ve got to stop writing God out of His story.
Gaga let go of everything and gave God the reigns because he knew a very important fact about life: we are in control of absolutely nothing.
God never spins out of control. God has never been on a seesaw. God does not feel the need to live up to any expectation. God does not depend on what we think. Our opinions on Him do not affect Him in the slightest.
At this moment, while I spin, I am more thankful for my God than I’ve ever been. I have peace because I have no control. I am happy because Gaga is happy. I love because God is love.
I think if I could talk to Gaga, he would read this rambling blog that has no direction and no real point and he would look at me and smile and say “Keep Going.”
I’m blind and I have no direction but I keep going. Because when I stand still and lose faith in the Creator, I sink. And I don’t want to sink, I want to fly.