And not because I have a lot of stuff going on in my life. Actually, sort of the opposite.
On a personal level, I’m in one of the hardest transitioning periods ever. I think people tried to warn me with “Leaving College is hard,” and “Transitioning to adult life is challenging,” but I literally always went deaf to these warnings.
Not because I didn’t trust them, but because I wasn’t worried. I was in a great place, I knew what I wanted to do, I had/have tremendous trust and faith in God, and honestly, I just never really struggled when life changed dramatically. I craved change and handled it in stride. I found jobs and passions so easily I didn’t realize how hard it can be and usually is. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.
Now that I’m here, job searching, church searching, apartment searching, friend searching, soul searching, I’m tired.
I want to stop searching. I want to find whatever it is that I’m LUNGING after so violently. I want to be there already, wherever “there” is.
And I want to be found.
What’s really hard is I’m not helpless. I’ve got some options, I have time, I have an INCREDIBLE family holding me up and supporting me. I have stability and doors that tentatively open. Most importantly, I have God.
And yet my soul is in a state of unrest. I still feel like I’m unattached and lost. Like I’m so far down a path I wasn’t prepared for I’ll die on it. I’m uneasy and tired.
Half the doors that open I can’t step through because my spirit stirs that it’s just wrong. Then I feel like I’m letting some figurative person down or I’m being complacent or lazy or scared. I question my own discernment, a gift God has given me and helped me grow in over the last few years.
I’m terrified of being complacent. I don’t want to become idle. I desperately want to do something important. I want to work. I want to provoke change. I want to change lives and see a sort of success in my life that affects nations. I want to shake the ground I walk on and start fires and stir up waters.
I think right now my biggest fear is becoming insignificant. Worthless. Meaningless.
In writing this I hope to not only find some clarity and hope but also make it clear to you that if you feel any of these things – you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not pointless.
You are not insignificant.
You are not worthless.
You are not meaningless.
And I’m not either.
Transitioning is hard. Searching is all-consuming and exhausting. But I have to be so incredibly mindful not to get lost in that search. Because if I do then I’ll never stop. No matter what job I find, what place I live in, what Church I attend or what friends I’ll make, I’ll never lose that feeling that I’m still searching.
And that’s a scary thought.
I’m transitioning but I’m not losing myself on a mindless search down a random path. Really, what I’m looking for I found years ago.
A God who doesn’t have to search for anything. A Creator who made no mistakes in creating me. An Author who wrote my story. A Savior who has made me new. A Shepherd who has already found me.
When I’m looking for something I also what to be looked for. To be discovered.
That beautiful thing is I’ve already been found. And He will never let me go.
I don’t have to deplete myself in a search.
Because I am found.