I tried to take all control. I tried to be my own god.
One of the most recent moments is this summer. I was living at home in Greenville, TX, feeling directionless and lost. I wanted something to happen. I felt discouraged having turned down two jobs without really knowing why. I wasn’t getting anywhere and I didn’t have the finances to move somewhere on my own. So, I made an executive decision to move in with my friend in Little Rock. There was no real reason other than I had friends there, rent was cheap, and it wasn’t Greenville.
However, God instantly started whispering. I felt unease, like there was something off about where I was. There was nothing inherently wrong, in fact, I love my roommate, loved where we were living, and had many church options. But I still felt wrong. I prayed about it, journaled, all that good jazz, but I really just wanted to do what I wanted to.
Eventually, through a series of events, I ended up with the decision (not for the first time in my life) that I needed to obey the Lord, leave Arkansas, and move back to Texas.
The problem was, at that point, my sister, her husband and two kids and two dogs, and my cousin were all also living at home. That means there were 8 people and four dogs in a four-bedroom house. It really wasn’t pragmatic for me to move home.
But, I’m not God. So, I obeyed and moved home.
Things slowly slotted into place. Emily and I got a place together in Rockwall, I got a gorgeous dog, I was looking for another job. I was writing and spending time with the Lord and my family, but I still felt like there was something missing.
Then, in November, I was blessed with an amazing opportunity at Pamper Lake Highlands as Caren Bright’s assistant. I’ve been doing this for two weeks and let me tell you – God knows what he is doing.
Which is good, because I don’t. And every time I make the decision to be lord of my own life, it ends poorly.
Take one of my favorite stories in the Bible for example – Babel. These guys had been directly ordered by God to scatter and multiply so HE could make their name great. But they took it in their own hands to stay in one place and make their own name great.
And we know how that ends. God ends up scattering them.
Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves, lest we be dispersed over the face of the whole earth.” And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of man had built. And the Lord said, “Behold, they are one people, and they have all one language, and this is only the beginning of what they will do. And nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and there confuse their language, so that they may not understand one another’s speech.” So the Lord dispersed them from there over the face of all the earth, and they left off building the city. Therefore its name was called Babel, because there the Lord confused the language of all the earth. And from there the Lord dispersed them over the face of all the earth.
There is no mistaking it – God is God and his plans will always be better than our own. And he will always get his way in the end.
It’s useless and pointless to try to be god. It will only hurt.
Take it from me, someone who dropped out of college because I tried to be god and faced harsh consequences. Someone who felt broken relationships and a fractured heart. Someone who has suffered panic attacks and fear of the future. Someone who thinks she should have it all together, who lives in a bit too much pride, and realizes how poisonous that is.
Your ‘god’ will always be imperfect. Your ‘god’ will always be selfish. Your ‘god’ will always be naive and lost.
But God? He is rich in mercy. He has great love for us. (Ephesians 2:4) He remembers us. (Genesis 8:1) He keeps his promises. (Deut. 7:7) He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. (Psalm 86:15) His way is flawless and perfect (Psalm 18:30). He sees all and knows all. (Psalm 33:13-15)
I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have THAT God in charge of my life.