Diagnosed

Me Christmas 2019Please, for the love of all that is Netflix, don’t comment “Is this a surprise to anyone?” under this blog post.

Because, yes, yes it is a surprise to me. And it’s so frustrating that this took almost TWENTY-FOUR YEARS for someone to tell me.

Let’s backtrack.

Over a month ago, I went to a new therapist for the first time and asked her why I can’t remember half my life, why I have so much trouble following people who are talking to me, and why I focus better while playing a dumb, mindless game on my phone.

“Has anyone ever tested you for ADHD?”

No, Dr. Thurston. They have not.

Well, she did. And guess who has a “Very healthy dose of ADHD?”

You guessed it! That would be me.

tigger

Queue several weeks of going through every aspect of my life, studies, personality, and struggles that point back to the ADHD.

Queue me rethinking everything I’ve ever done or had problems with.

Queue me being so beyond frustrated that no one ever diagnosed this before.

Why wasn’t this diagnosed when I only ever got detention for disrupting the class? When I couldn’t remember my sister’s wedding a few years after it happened? When I hopped through dozens of medicine to treat anxiety and depression and OCD symptoms and irrational anger and NONE OF THEM WORKED.

Now, there are reasons for all of that. The main being apparently there are 9 types of ADHD and only 1 is commonly diagnosed in adolescents. (Think the kid that literally cannot stay in his seat for longer than 30 seconds and will talk to a statue for an hour.) My types, apparently, are often seen as anxiety, obsession, and something else I can’t remember right now. (If I do, I’ll come back and edit that in. Something like impulsivity and pushing boundaries and people’s buttons just to start arguments.)

Anyways, let’s get around to why I feel this warrants a blog post (besides the fact I just write about myself because why not?)

I have spent years of my life feeling like a failure of a friend because I don’t remember half the things people tell me and I can’t for the life of me focus on someone when we are talking. I try so hard.

And I have failed. Over and over again.

My friend Terri once almost threw hands because I asked her “do you watch Game of Thrones?” after apparently having asked that four times previously.

I have spent years feeling like a nuisance and being called a spaz. And I can sit in the back of my mind and SEE myself being annoying but just can’t stop. It’s so frustrating.

I’ve spent years feeling like my brain is just a little broken.

And now I have clarity. It makes sense. I’m not a horrible friend and I’m not broken. My mind just works a little differently. And that’s okay. But at least now I have the opportunity to put words to my actions and feelings and struggles. And now I have the tools to help fix it.

I think a lot of us are constantly walking around feeling like we don’t quite fit in. That our brain is just a little broken.

Because you’re a Tigger and everyone else is always tired of you and you’re the only one.

You’re an Eeyore and you’re bumming everyone out or no one ever notices you’re there.

You’re a Piglet and everything is a little too scary and so much can go wrong at any moment.

You’re a Rabbit and nothing is perfect and you’ll never be good enough.

But you are not alone. You are seen and noticed. You are safe. You are enough. You are here.

And you get to make me a promise.

Image result for winnie the pooh mental illness quotes

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Diagnosed

  1. Crazily enough, I had a friend this summer gently ask me if I’d ever been tested for ADHD. It’s something that’s been on my mind. Maybe this is why I like you so much! And why I’ve been terrible about communicating! Thanks for being so brave with this! You’re super encouraging to me!!

  2. I was diagnosed with ADHD after my son Kaleb was. Here is the thing, there is no such thing as normal. If anybody is analyzed there would be something about them that doesn’t fall into normal parameters.
    There is no single part of a human that entirely defines us. Unfortunately I have witnessed, repeatedly, a specific diagnosis become a person’s identity. We are not a diagnosis. Not cancer, not ADHD, nor any other description of piece of us.
    It is good to understand how and why you think and feel, but don’t let the sounds of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s