Haley, Meg, CJ, Emily…

picsI’m trying to find words. I feel this urgency to find them because it’s what I do, it’s my thing. I find the words that become hard to find and I write them down. That’s my gift and how I manage.

But it’s getting harder to find words that merit being shared about this situation. If I’m being honest, even though we keep getting good news and we are being so encouraged and supported, I’m finding it difficult to sit down and write something that’s worthy of being read.

I can’t seem to explain.

Then I Face-Timed with Zoe for a while and realized I didn’t have to fully explain because it could never fully be understood, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t try. Continue reading

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Mommy…

IMG_4874One of the worst parts of all this is watching my Mom. I’ve never seen two people more in love, more passionate about pursuing God together, than my parents. I’ve never seen a team that works so hard to share the love of God with every corner of the earth. I dream of a future where maybe, just maybe, I’ve found a love like this one. Of finding a love that endures a nightmare you couldn’t even imagine. I dream of finding a man like my Daddy, albeit maybe with one or two more tattoos.  Continue reading

Daddy…

picsssThere’s no where to start.

Mainly because it’s not over yet.

But we all know I process through words. And I’ll be d*nged if there isn’t more to process than I ever could have imagined. Let me start by saying this:

I have been given a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Everywhere I turn someone is telling me they love me, they’re here for us, they are praying for my family, offering to help. Every minute I know my family is covered in prayer. Multiple times this week I’ve felt like I couldn’t continue. It was over. My Daddy was gone, I wouldn’t be able to continue. I don’t know how to do my taxes, I’ve never met someone who can hug me like him, I’m not married yet so who will walk me down the aisle? In the midst of God’s faithfulness, I’ve felt my faith failing. I’ve felt myself doubt promises of God’s goodness. Continue reading

Dear Future

14884702_10207637245595981_384251857058761294_o“Look ahead” they say. “It only will get better.”

They warn you about being stuck in your past, encourage you to move on to the future.

Well, You’re my future.

But you have to know about my past.  Finding yourself, being true to who you are and who you want, is the most difficult thing you’ll ever do.

At least that’s the case in my story.

I thought it would be great.  Continue reading

Dear Ex

zoeDear ex in my inbox,

The way I see it is there are three types of “inbox exs”.

  • The lonely inbox ex. He probably wants to hookup or even get back together. He realizes he lost something great and now regrets his life. He also can’t get any other girl to smile at him so he’s feeling small and lonely. It’s sad.
  • The angry inbox ex. He’s victimized himself, made you a “b*txh*, and told all his pickup truck friends that HE broke up with YOU. In his message, he makes use of all the curse words he’s learned in his however many years on earth and let all his “feminazi” frustration out on you. It’s also sad.
  • The apologetic inbox ex. He’s moved on, realized though you may have damaged his pride, he may also have hurt you. He has a new girlfriend but his conscience is keeping him up at night. He’s in your inbox to make amends. This one is no longer sad.

Which makes it all the more annoying.

In this letter, I’ll be referring to inbox ex #3.  Continue reading

Open Letter

scream-heroI guess you could say I’ve had an easy life. On paper, everything has gone in my favor. From my family to my finances to my health, I’ve been mostly dealt a good hand. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had struggles, pain, and disbeliefs.

I’ve had relationship problems and bad self-image. I’ve fought with my on-paper ‘perfect’ family and I’ve had painful breakups with both friends and more-than. I’ve been told my writing is sub-par and I need to find a ‘real’ job. I’ve had to take medicine for mental health problems and I’ve had doctors and coaches watch what food I do (or more accurately, don’t) put in my body. I’ve fallen asleep in tears and woken up not wanting to get out of bed. Continue reading

Dear Daddy

13495349_10206687025921083_6915098289535630100_nWhen I was a kid we played a game called “Lion”. You would chase us around while we laughed and hid, wanting you to catch us so that you would tickle us until we screamed. Then you would ‘die’, falling to the ground with a huff. 

We’d relish in the moment of victory for hot second before we decided we wanted Daddy to chase us some more. I would be always sent by my oh so loving older sisters to wake you up (by jumping over your legs if anyone was wondering).

This is one of my favorite memories.

Moments of laughter and joy, being a kid with my protecting, fun Daddy.  Continue reading

Dear next human getting married,

67954_10151378336943231_1220201761_nAlright first, I want to say congratulations. Mainly because I have to. People frown at you if you ignore the happy couple saying “I do”. I’m not sure why. People do it every day. Especially this season.

You know next weekend I literally have three weddings I’ve been invited to? Three. Do you realize how exhausting weddings are? I’d be dead before the third bride even walked down the aisle.

Dear bride, I know this is a big deal for you but I’m sorry the type of flower doesn’t matter nearly as much as you think it does. Also, no one likes wedding cake. They pretend to because they are supposed to but really, a good chocolate chip cookie would have been much better. Continue reading

Dear Me,

13220928_10206430368264802_1748868404462497146_nYou may have looked in the mirror before and hated what you saw. You may have pulled on her skin and sucked in as hard as you could, wishing more than anything to look like the people on TV. You may have even decided skipping dinner and maybe tomorrow’s lunch, would somehow heighten your worth.

You’ve probably questioned your worth.

Asked yourself who really cares. Wondered what your impact in the world was. If you were never born, what difference would it make, really? Continue reading

Dear Professor,

profeliWait, what? No, seriously, what? Can you repeat that? Are you even speaking English right now?

“No. I’m your Spanish teacher.”

HAHA. That was funny. I did a funny thing to start this blog post. Mainly because I’m sleep deprived. So this is going to be rough.

Dear professor,

Could you work a little harder to spread out our work? I get that you just want to get the information across and then you realize you need grades for the class, but honestly, a week of papers, exams and quizzes is exhausting. I just spent a month doing nothing and all the sudden I can’t sleep for a week? Seriously. Continue reading