The Waves

IrelandDublin-229You know that feeling when you know God has something to tell you and all day you feel it in the back of your head? Like a whisper blowing through your mind, tickling all your senses till you give into the words? The promises?

All day God had been telling me to read Matthew 8.

I’m sure you know it: when Jesus calmed the waves. Continue reading

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Daddy…

picsssThere’s no where to start.

Mainly because it’s not over yet.

But we all know I process through words. And I’ll be d*nged if there isn’t more to process than I ever could have imagined. Let me start by saying this:

I have been given a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven.

Everywhere I turn someone is telling me they love me, they’re here for us, they are praying for my family, offering to help. Every minute I know my family is covered in prayer. Multiple times this week I’ve felt like I couldn’t continue. It was over. My Daddy was gone, I wouldn’t be able to continue. I don’t know how to do my taxes, I’ve never met someone who can hug me like him, I’m not married yet so who will walk me down the aisle? In the midst of God’s faithfulness, I’ve felt my faith failing. I’ve felt myself doubt promises of God’s goodness. Continue reading

You’re Going To Cry

madison_lights_editYou’re going to cry.

A lot.

You’re not going to know how to handle this because you’re afraid of emotions.

Deeply.

You’ll be too scared to go home. You’ll drive for hours or sit in the back of coffee shops.

Every day. Continue reading

How’s Mattie Doing?

13445789_10206640369154693_7269857462684331010_nIt has come to my attention that many of you, yes you, even if you don’t know who I am, have gone to other people to find out how I’m doing.

You can’t ask me yourself, so you have to ask my friends. Or my mom. Or I guess you could ask me, but I wouldn’t tell you.

You don’t actually want to know, do you? You just want to gossip. You want a spectacle. You want something/someone to point at and go ‘look at her life, it’s worse than mine.’ You want a story, to be entertained. That’s all you want, right? You don’t actually care about me. You’re not asking out of love. You’re not trying to honestly figure out how I’m doing because you care so why should you get to know? I won’t be your spectacle. I won’t be your gossip or your horror story.

But what I realized last night is maybe you actually do care. Maybe you actually do love me and you genuinely, honestly, want to know how I am.

If that’s the case, keep reading. If not, just stop now. Continue reading

I am not my nicknames.

12439069_10205515881803212_6795568949325753368_nI was hanging out with two of my closest friends the other day, and I realized how thankful I was for them. I’ve only known them for a couple months but their friendship means so much to me.

That’s when I grasped how afraid I was that the end of our friendship was coming.

“I hope you guys know that you’re stuck with me for at least the next two years.” I let them know.

“What?” Continue reading

My Near Death Experience

12489373_10205515856042568_5853406904387438760_oHave you ever been so frustrated that you decide you’re just going to give up forever? Ever decided ‘yup, this is where I’m going to die.’?

That’s how I felt laying in three feet snow, skis stuck to my boots and poles unable to find ground. My dad standing still twenty feet down the mountain, yelling ‘turn your skis to the side and stand up!” I struggled to do as he said only to fall once again.

“Just go!” I tell him. He refuses, of course. I was frustrated, embarrassed, and tired. I could not get up for the life of me. Maybe I never would. I would just fall asleep there, maybe freeze to death. Eventually someone would come save me. They’d have to cut off my feet and hands due to frostbite. I’d be a horror story parents tell their kids to keep them from skiing too far to the side of the mountain where their skis will sink in the fresh snow. My parents would shake their heads sadly whenever someone asked them how their vacation was. Continue reading

Fear Number One.

12105768_10205111968185624_3404399200046185137_nI was looking at how many views my blog gets, and I noticed something.

The more personal a post, the more views it gets. If I really get uncomfortable, the amount of views shoots skyward. This was not good news to me. I was not excited. I did not go “Oh, well then I definitely need to start being more personal!” because no. That’s not something I do. It’s not something I can handle. In fact, the idea wakes up my anxiety and gets it screaming again. I have to calm myself down. And recently I found out why.

I have an intense fear of vulnerability. Continue reading