You are worth it.

18195141_10209428602138775_8216928352892482649_nYou make a difference every day.

Every smile.

Every ‘are you okay’?

Every piece of art.

It makes a difference.

And don’t let anyone tell you different. Who you are is a hero to someone. You lead your story, and you can control that story. Who you are is special, strong, creative and great. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Family members don’t know you better than you know you. Lies don’t get to tell you your worth. Your friends don’t get to decide your worth for you and neither do strangers on the subway. Continue reading

How Do I love?

picsWhen gift giving is a joy and not a burden, I know I’m in a good place.

I’ve found I show love best by giving presents. Much to my bank accounts despair, I adore spending money on the people I love. A random bouquet of flowers to show my friends I’m proud of them, a mug referencing our favorite TV show to congratulate them, the pair of leggings they’ve wanted for months to say ‘happy birthday, go on a run.’
If you hate spending money on ‘useless’ presents, don’t think this blog is calling you out. Gift giving is not how everyone shows love, anyways. You may show love through spending time with people, serving them, or just simple words of affirmation, all of which are completely valid. I, on the other hand, give gifts to tell someone I admire them.

Continue reading

My Pet Dragon

picsA swallow that’s just a smidge too loud. A laugh of someone in the room next door. Pages turning sound like hurricanes. The air is too hot. Your clothes are too heavy. Someone sniffs. How dare they?

Sometimes every little thing, every corner of the earth, has a single goal: to piss you off.

It’s easy to say, “I’m just irritated”. To brush it off like it were a fly landing on your cupcake.

But somehow, that fly has turned into a fuming dragon settling on top of your life, breathing in your air and out fire that burns your hair.

How does no one else see the dragon perched on your shoulders? Continue reading

“Future Everything” Takes NY.

15578709_10211735752533373_7074168093315715645_n

 

In December of 2016 I had the opportunity to visit “the greatest city in the world” with the greatest traveling partners in the world.

 

Meet the crew, known as “Future Everything”. We consist of a high-strung photographer, a diabetic closeted artist, a Broadway-crazed wannabe, and an obscenely blunt future Harpers Magazine writer. Continue reading

Halloween in November

15871719_10208170781854054_6750330212750455719_nThe month of November.

Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, finals studying and jumping in piles of leaves. Also Alicia’s birthday month, but what a lot of writers know November as is something much different, and much more horrifying than anything Halloween brought that year.

NaNoWriMo.

Also known as National November Writing Month.

What is NaNoWriMo? Basically, it’s a non profit organization, a challenge, and a writers wonderful, terrifying party. Continue reading

Drowning in the Shallow End

14876661_10207637236435752_4751540458015617558_oI’ve had a really good couple of days.

And I can’t find a single thing to complain about.

And yet, sometimes, I just want to lie down, watch a sad movie, and hold my cat.

Why?

I don’t really have an answer for that. I know there’s some sort of scientific, medical reasoning, but I couldn’t tell you. There’s some spiritual reasoning, and I don’t want to tell you. And mostly, it’s just the exhaustion of healing.  Continue reading

Feed Me Lies

feed-me-liesProducers create couples to be torn apart and

Playlists are filled with songs about broken hearts

Paintings are gloomy and dimmed with dark shades

Like red, black, brown and fifty shades of grey

Is the love story of our generation

A man in need of control and a woman fed delusions

 

Continue reading

Open Letter

scream-heroI guess you could say I’ve had an easy life. On paper, everything has gone in my favor. From my family to my finances to my health, I’ve been mostly dealt a good hand. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had struggles, pain, and disbeliefs.

I’ve had relationship problems and bad self-image. I’ve fought with my on-paper ‘perfect’ family and I’ve had painful breakups with both friends and more-than. I’ve been told my writing is sub-par and I need to find a ‘real’ job. I’ve had to take medicine for mental health problems and I’ve had doctors and coaches watch what food I do (or more accurately, don’t) put in my body. I’ve fallen asleep in tears and woken up not wanting to get out of bed. Continue reading

Loud vs Quiet Sins

14086203_10207082738173642_8910257364412688168_o I hope there’s not a limit to how many times I can start a blog with “I was talking to” because…

 I was talking to Zoe about all my issues (shocker) and I used terms that I made up called “loud sins” and “quiet sins”. She didn’t question the terms, just went with them and knew exactly what I was talking about. Here’s a snippet of our conversation:  Continue reading

How’s Mattie Doing?

13445789_10206640369154693_7269857462684331010_nIt has come to my attention that many of you, yes you, even if you don’t know who I am, have gone to other people to find out how I’m doing.

You can’t ask me yourself, so you have to ask my friends. Or my mom. Or I guess you could ask me, but I wouldn’t tell you.

You don’t actually want to know, do you? You just want to gossip. You want a spectacle. You want something/someone to point at and go ‘look at her life, it’s worse than mine.’ You want a story, to be entertained. That’s all you want, right? You don’t actually care about me. You’re not asking out of love. You’re not trying to honestly figure out how I’m doing because you care so why should you get to know? I won’t be your spectacle. I won’t be your gossip or your horror story.

But what I realized last night is maybe you actually do care. Maybe you actually do love me and you genuinely, honestly, want to know how I am.

If that’s the case, keep reading. If not, just stop now. Continue reading