Do you feel heavy? Or, rather, does the world feel heavy to you right now? I know, for me, there are a dozen intense topics, emotions, events, problems, and pains floating around in my mind 24/7. I seem to be feeling everything more than I ever have in the past. The pain of my friends. The pain of the world. The problems and injustices and grief.
And I feel less than enough.
Somehow, things are becoming personal that should never have been personal. And it’s messing with my own identity and self worth.
I don’t know if you can relate with me, or if what I’m saying even makes sense. But I DO know that everyone needs a bit of affirmation sometimes. Everyone has hard days and days of low self-esteem. For those days, this particular blog post is for you.
It has come to my attention that many of you, yes you, even if you don’t know who I am, have gone to other people to find out how I’m doing.
You can’t ask me yourself, so you have to ask my friends. Or my mom. Or I guess you could ask me, but I wouldn’t tell you.
You don’t actually want to know, do you? You just want to gossip. You want a spectacle. You want something/someone to point at and go ‘look at her life, it’s worse than mine.’ You want a story, to be entertained. That’s all you want, right? You don’t actually care about me. You’re not asking out of love. You’re not trying to honestly figure out how I’m doing because you care so why should you get to know? I won’t be your spectacle. I won’t be your gossip or your horror story.
But what I realized last night is maybe you actually do care. Maybe you actually do love me and you genuinely, honestly, want to know how I am.
You may have looked in the mirror before and hated what you saw. You may have pulled on her skin and sucked in as hard as you could, wishing more than anything to look like the people on TV. You may have even decided skipping dinner and maybe tomorrow’s lunch, would somehow heighten your worth.
You’ve probably questioned your worth.
Asked yourself who really cares. Wondered what your impact in the world was. If you were never born, what difference would it make, really? Continue reading →
I love to poke fun. I’m a sarcastic person. I like to laugh. I’m learning to know when to be quiet and when to laugh. It’s a process.
Anyways, I like to joke. So I understand the fun that comes with laughing about selfies. They are everywhere. We put so much faith in them, how many likes they get, how many comments. We mess with the filters, we find the perfect captions. They get so much attention that they’re easy things to make fun of. I get that. I’ll laugh. I’ll make fun of myself. I will open my phone, stare at the thirty selfies I just took and crack up. I will go through them, find my favorites, send them to my trusted selfie critics and eagerly await their comments. I will then post them with a caption that fits and watch the likes. I, of course, care about how many I get but truly and honestly I don’t care too much. I don’t put my identity, confidence and value in the number of people who click the like button. My big thing is I NEED the likes to be divisible by five. So 18 likes is not okay. It needs to be 20. Not 21. Not 19. 20. Go figure. Continue reading →