Falling

picsFear, uncertainty, release, vulnerability.

The fear that you’re not supposed to be moving so quickly, so assuredly to an unforgiving landing. Uncertain if the land will leave you with breath in your lungs or intact bones in your legs. The release of the pressure that is standing, keeping yourself whole and unbroken and tall and strong. Vulnerable because you are no longer standing and strong, but defenseless to the ground that is rushing up to meet you with a smile of disaster.

Falling usually ends in breaking, in disaster, in needing to be fixed.

But sometimes falling is good. It’s fun, thrilling. When you fall out of an airplane and feel that rush of excitement in the bottom of your gut. When adrenaline is fire in your veins before you pull the string to release the parachute. Continue reading

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Drowning in the Shallow End

14876661_10207637236435752_4751540458015617558_oI’ve had a really good couple of days.

And I can’t find a single thing to complain about.

And yet I just want to lie down, watch a sad movie, and hold my cat.

Why?

I don’t really have an answer for that. I know there’s some sort of scientific, medical reasoning, but I couldn’t tell you. There’s some spiritual reasoning, and I don’t want to tell you. And mostly, it’s just the exhaustion of healing.  Continue reading

Rejection, Doubt, and Acceptance.

13765830_10210295914338318_3015040440471482001_o“Don’t worry, keep trying!” “You know Harry Potter was rejected eleven times before it was finally accepted!” “You’re a great writer.”

Rejection is the number one worry, fear and warning when someone desires to be a writer. The process of publication is a torturous, tiring and time consuming one. You’re work must be pristine, void of mistakes, sellable and original. A typo and you’re out. A cliche and NIX. Crappy cover letter? Don’t even bother submitting. Never been published? Sucks to suck!

The more you submit, the better chances of being accepted but also the more rejection letters you receive, and soon they start piling on themselves. Soon, the gracious rejection letter starts to sound like this: Continue reading

How’s Mattie Doing?

13445789_10206640369154693_7269857462684331010_nIt has come to my attention that many of you, yes you, even if you don’t know who I am, have gone to other people to find out how I’m doing.

You can’t ask me yourself, so you have to ask my friends. Or my mom. Or I guess you could ask me, but I wouldn’t tell you.

You don’t actually want to know, do you? You just want to gossip. You want a spectacle. You want something/someone to point at and go ‘look at her life, it’s worse than mine.’ You want a story, to be entertained. That’s all you want, right? You don’t actually care about me. You’re not asking out of love. You’re not trying to honestly figure out how I’m doing because you care so why should you get to know? I won’t be your spectacle. I won’t be your gossip or your horror story.

But what I realized last night is maybe you actually do care. Maybe you actually do love me and you genuinely, honestly, want to know how I am.

If that’s the case, keep reading. If not, just stop now. Continue reading

Addictions

13244795_10206537816590943_2544382164671981482_nI have an addictive personality. I firmly believe that if I had been born into different circumstances, with a different family, different values, and didn’t know the Lord, then I would be an extremely different person now. I would probably be addicted to all kinds of drugs, have no money to buy those drugs, and more unattractive things.

However, I was blessed enough to be born in the life I was born in. I was given the family I have and I’ve known the Lord since I was a kid.

But that doesn’t mean I suddenly don’t have an addictive personality.

Because I do.

I’m just not addicted to drugs or sex or alcohol. I’m addicted to other… weirder things. Continue reading

Why DTRs suck b*tt

DTR3“Who are you texting? Who’s Bob? Are you dating? Have you talked?”

Talked about what? Dogs? Yes, of course. That’s usually the first subject I bring up.

Why are people so interested in my life the moment a male is mentioned? I could have not heard from a person in months but as soon as a picture goes up on instagram with a dude in it, suddenly they care about what’s going on and we “need to catch up”. Continue reading

Let’s Get Vulnerable.

12552643_10205544129589389_6003665567883046988_nI have to give my roommate, Zoe, so much credit for my thoughts. They’re my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings and emotions but more than 80% of the time, conversations with Zoe helps me understand them. I could have a huge, pressing problem that I wouldn’t know about until Zoe helps me sort through my feelings. I’m getting better at it, my emotional maturity is slowly getting higher and my vocabulary to explain my thoughts is growing, but I still rely on Zoe or my counselor to help me through the jumbled mess in my mind. It takes multiple conversation’s sitting on my counselors couch or on Zoe’s bed for me to be able to say out loud “Oh yeah, I’m really insecure about that.” And then Zoe just laughs and goes, “I’ve been telling you that for years.” Continue reading

Don’t dream it, be it.

10599634_10205180568300584_4567363331679933899_nHAPPY HALLOWEEN! I hope your days are filled with candy, scares, friends and awesome costumes.

I love Halloween. It’s one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, weather, traditions and genre of movies. I love horror movies and haunted houses. I don’t mind paying to be scared, I crave the adrenaline.

But Halloween is not complete without The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Continue reading